My Bear

Catherine Dabels

The core program of Art à la Carte delivers an assortment of artwork to the bedside of acute care patients each week. Many are being treated for cancer and thereby have associated symptoms of fatigue, pain, despair, loss of appetite etc. to the extreme. The collection of artwork is diverse in order to accommodate themes requested by patients. Wildlife is the number one request. In spite of the difficult circumstances, patients exude extreme appreciation for the opportunity to select their own art. Conversation can be both cheery as well as grim. It is always deeply honest:

My Bear

I stare at the bear on the wall and I only see me. A piece of artwork I picked amongst many to hang on my wall. I am so grateful it is a polar bear.

Do Not Disturb (Image by Steinbacher)

I don’t know why.

I feel heavy and immoveable. I am exhausted. I want to sleep and I know that soon I will. Just like my bear. Only my sleep may be forever.

No one would be able to rouse my bear, the way he is right now. Nothing could tempt him from his pedestal. Nothing could change his mood or remove his exhaustion. That bear is me. I know how he feels.

We are heavy and immoveable.

We are tired. Weary. Our souls enervated.

The volunteer was just here. She asked me if I wanted a new picture to look at. I took her hand in mine. I wept. She stayed with me, watching me cry and together we beheld my bear. I cried for my bear. That tired, heavy, immoveable bear.

I cried for me.

That bear is me. That’s me in the picture. That’s me. Right here in this room.

That’s me.

I asked her not to take it away. Please do not take it away.

My bear hangs on the wall, still. I watch him.

He is me.